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1st Feb 2011, 7:13 AM

Feeny

I don't expect you to read all of this

I’m walking home and thinking of my twin brother. My mom is worried that he’s going to kill himself. I don’t really think he would do such a thing, but I keep thinking about how terrible it would be if I were wrong. What if he really did? What if my twin killed himself? I don’t know how I feel about this, I really don’t. When my Mom first came to talk to me about it I just chalked it up to her usual hysterical attitude, but it made me realize how little I know my brother now.

I mean, he’s just always been There. It’s not like with other siblings where you pass each other by in different times of your life, where they could teach you something about an experience you haven’t had yet. With other types of siblings, they can teach you techniques to trick your parents, or what to do when you’re alone with a boy. A twin is just There. You go through life at the same pace, each meeting similar obstacles at the similar times. Even with a fraternal twin like mine, He wasn’t able to teach me much. I already knew that boys were ridiculous, He proved it. He didn’t let me in on some big secret to the brother hood of boys; give me an advantage above other girls. At least, I don’t think so. I don’t think we had a special bond either. Not in a twin way, or even a sibling way.

It feels like we’ve spent most of our lives trying to get away from each other, at least I sure have. My father always said that I am a single child, who happened to have a brother born on the same day as me; I’ve always been an independent person. My brother, he’d say, is a twin through and through. Throughout our childhood, we couldn’t escape from each other. We went to a small school where everybody knew each other. I was always “N’s Sister” and he was always “Serena’s Brother”. Even when our family moved, our friends would usually be shared between us. It drove me nuts. He drove me nuts. And we always seemed to be part of the same group, even if one of us tried to expand our horizons; we’d be sucked back in, like binary stars in rotation. Most of my memories up to the age of 16, involve my brother:  A mutual friend flirting with me while my brother watched TV beside us, Birthday parties that we shared, having to sleep in his bed while he had the chicken pox, and I still didn’t get it. Even Birthday cheques from our Aunt Chucky (to Nathaniel and Serena, to the payment of $25). We had to share everything. Our first job was delivering papers – together. Its cold out and the tips of my ears are starting to freeze. I shove my hands into my pockets and pick up my pace.

He was always there. Family trips, playground games, sleep over parties, birthday parties, we even shared our religious initiation into adulthood – our mom had us have a b’nai mitzvah whereas other kids had the entire spectacle to themselves. I was late to my pre-prom party because my mom had to drive my brother to his and we only had one car. Even in high school where it was big enough for me to avoid him the whole day after getting off the bus, it would still catch up to me: “Aren’t you N’s Sister?” and I would begrudgingly say yes. What else could I say? The time I tried to say “No, I’m Serena” they got confused. It’s normal for twins who grow up together to try to separate themselves as much as possible, assert their independence from their sibling. That’s why you will often see sets of identical twins who dress and behave as opposite as they can from their sibling. But with my brother and I, it felt like a see-saw. If I did well in school, he did poorly (and vice versa). If he had a great job, I had either a shitty one or none at all. When I moved out of our home and went to university, he stayed at home and played the drums in the basement. I turn right down a side street; a new song starts on my personal music player.

Sure we don’t hate each other, but like anyone else you randomly get stuck with for life, we fought. The more we saw each other, the more we fought. When I was living in dorm my brother and I barely fought when I came home to visit. A car whizzes by me and I realize that it was less than a foot away from me. What if I had accidentally stumbled or reached my arm out at the last minute?

And now my mom is worried about my brother killing himself. He’s been going through a tough time, escalated by the death of a friend. My mom worries that with his recent behaviour he might attempt suicide. I’ve barely been home the last three years, and when I am I am self-centered and only noticed things that have changed. I don’t think my brother would commit suicide, at least I don’t think so. My mom asked me to go down to the basement – N’s Territory – and see if there’s anything he could hurt himself with. “I don’t know what to look for” she says “things have changed since I was your age; I don’t think I’d notice the same things as you”. I agree but think what the hell would I be able to find? I barely go down there. I mistakenly tell her “y’know, if someone really wanted to, they’d find a way”.

But, Seriously, What would happen if my brother killed himself? Would I even cry? I don’t know. I remember crying when my guinea pig died, but being fine an hour later. I wasn’t upset when I found out my Grandfather had died – I only saw the man three times in my whole life - yet I broke down crying at his funeral, not even knowing why I was crying. I don’t see myself crying if N died, but It’d feel wrong not to. My mother would definitely cry, it would devastate her. Would she go nuts? Would she keep his room a shrine to her lost boy, messy floor and all? Would she refuse to talk about him, shutting down? Would she become depressed, as is rumoured to run in her side of the family? As I walk the sleek black street my mind races through these scenarios. My brother’s room would clearly go to my little brother, now six years old. Would he sleep there though? He always falls asleep on the couch, like its his personal safety blanket. I would claim my brother’s Xbox—As soon as I think this I mentally slap myself at the thought: you can’t think like that.

I meant he pretty much ran away from home yesterday – yelling at our mom and storming out the door. “I don’t need you, I don’t need my drum set, I don’t need this”. My mom had, in a moment of anger, told my brother that maybe he should go live with our father. I later explained to her why we hate it when she says that, feeling like the remains of her marriage to my father, now that she has a second husband and 2 other children. I rarely feel resentment towards the new additions to our family, but I know my brother has difficulty with it. My Mom was a nervous wreck all night, asking me – again – if I thought N would kill himself. I honestly didn’t know – we weren’t thrown together like we used to be. I rarely saw him and when we did we usually ended up arguing. I don’t know who his friends are anymore; I don’t know where he would go. Today my father told me N had contacted him, a surprise since he hasn’t willingly talked to my father in three months. I have continued to go to work, talk with my boyfriend, read my school books, but I keep feeling a tugging, like I shouldn’t be continuing on as usual. Now that I’ve written it out, I’ve realized my brother and I do have a bond. It’s been there all along, I just never really noticed it because it’s always been there. Other siblings have it develop and grow, but not twins. It’s hard to really see something that’s been there your whole life. I usually just brushed off stories my mom had told me - how when my brother and I were toddlers my parents would seperate us, me in a room with dad and N in a room with mom. She told me Dad would tickle me, and N would laugh, and vice versa. When my brother and I were 10 my brother went to Hawaii with our Grandmother and at night my mom would hear me shouting at my brother in my sleep. "You were sleep-fighting with your brother" she told me. It feels weird not to have him home, to have him ignoring my calls and text messages. He's always been there.

What would I do at the funeral? What would I say as his friends came up to tell me that I have their sympathy? Would I cry? Would I sadly say “thank you” and wait for it to be over?  Would I just keep going to work, or would I have to take a whole week off to sit Shiva? Would my mom demand we do that? What could I do if she did want to sit Shiva?  If nothing else, I would be pissed at my brother if he killed himself for leaving such a mess behind – for leaving me. I turned right onto my street, thinking about my brother. Thinking about me in regards to my brother.

4th Jan 2011, 6:41 AM

Feeny

Changes...

Hey Folks, I know that this week's comic is overdue, and I'm sorry. I plan to put it up on tuesday afternoon or wednesday morning at the latest. I decided to draw this comic out by hand instead of msn-painting-it and I didn't realize my shoulder isn't quite up to the task, so I had to keep taking breaks. Hopefully my shoulder will be closer to normal soon.

I'm starting a course at York this week, I'm only going to be there two days a week but I've decided to switch the comic posting day: I will now be posting a comic every Tuesday instead of every Sunday.

3rd Dec 2010, 5:46 PM

Feeny

For You

Hey Guys, Sorry there's been a sever lack of blogs in the past...forever...I've been busy and didn't really think people read these.

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Here's the scoop on what's going on with me!

The Boyfriend and I are still broken up, its been about a month an a half now. I went on a few dates after the break up, but nothing really special UNTIL (Duhn duhn DUNNNNNN) THE NEW BOYFRIEND came along. He'll be appearing in the comic soon enough, but I figured I might as well tell you about him now. So him and I have been friends for a little while and when I broke up with the last Boyfriend I had no idea he was interested in me as more than a friend...then it became pretty damn obvious when he asked me out. We had a really awesome first date and then have been hanging out a lot since then - my little brother and sister went nuts over him. We've been going out for about a month now and I bet he'll be in the comic at least a few times. So that's what you need to know about that...oh, and if you're taking someone special out and want to have a fun time, check out snakes and latte's on bloor street. it's this cute as all hell coffee shop where you pay five bucks and you can play any of their hundreds of boardgames! they got every version of monopoly I've never heard about as well as jenga, scrabble and tons of other amazing board games! also, their hot chocolate is really good.

My arm STILL hurts...or more specifically, my shoulder. I seemed to have fucked it up at work lifting crates of milk or something, because now pretty much doing anything with my right hand/arm hurts my shoulder. lifting, carrying, reaching for anything or walking for long periods of time hurts A LOT. I went to the doctor last week, she assumed it's just a pull or something. She did give me a prescription for extra strength pain killers and massage therapy, thank god. the pain killers aren't strong enough, especially when I'm at work. I've finally scheduled an appointment for massage therapy so we'll see what happens with that. It's definitely not a pulled muscle - I've experienced that before and usually the pain goes away after a few days - this pain has been haunting me for almost two weeks now and isn't getting any better - being scheduled six days a week and not being able to rest enough doesn't help. So I might go for an ultra sound, because I want to figure out what the hell is going on in my shoulder and if I can fix it- I'll be super bummed if I have to deal with this forever. Thank god I live in canada and have a decent health plan...although it doesn't cover massage therapy, so that sucks.

Either way, I want to get out of working in the food service idustry (Shocking, right?) it's too physically demanding for me (standing for long periods of time, having to put up with asshole customers, having to lift, carry, reach and use my arms a lot...like I'm usually able to get people to help me with that, but I'm getting frustrated with needing to ask people to do stuff for me all the time) I've been applying for jobs as a receptionist, because at the moment that's what i feel would be great for me. I have a little experience already and I can see working as a receptionist helping me to develop more useful skills than making amazing mocha coffees. Also, It'd be nice to not have to wear a uniform that ends up being smelly no matter how many times you wash it.

and finally, the comic:
well the comic books are on there way to my awaiting hands, I'm really excited to see how they turned out. I'm going to try drawing out a comic for this week, although I can't promise it'll look great, but I don't want to completely put the comics on hold 'til I recover, because, well, god knows how long that'll take.

OH AND I'M A UNIVERSITY STUDENT AGAIN! I finished paying off york and I'll be taking back to school starting in january...it's only one course, but i figure it's better than nothing.

So yeah, that's about the just of what's going on at the moment. POST MORE COMMENTS ON MY COMICS!!!

24th Sep 2010, 4:16 AM

Feeny

Busy Busy Busy

Hey Folks, I'm so sorry I've been neglecting the blog portion of my site, I've been Hella busy.

My compute is covered in viruses - sometimes it won't let me open web browsers even though I'm able to chat on msn or skype, and sometimes it won't connect to the internet WHEN I KNOW THAT IT IS CAPABLE OF DOING SO. Other times it works but it looks like its Windows 95, not Windows Vista (yes, yes, I know - I KNOW). so that's made life a little harder at the moment. I've finished backing up all my important crap, but actually getting it fixed (for as close to free as I can find) is proving harder than I'd like.

I still owe York University money (now down to 1200 instead of 4000, thanks to working my ass off all summer) and can't register for any courses until I finish paying them off - this proves problematic seeing as the school year began ten days ago and every class I want to get into filled up back in june. Mom's pressuring me about school which doesn't help how upset/frustrated I am about not being in school. At this point all I can hope for is to get into a few courses that might even help my degree by January. As soon as I finish paying off York I might cut down to only working 4 days a week to make more time for the comic, as I feel the quality of my updates has declined in the last few months.

The Boyfriend and I have been fighting. I feel that it would be unfair to publicize it or to spill details but I will say that we're going through struggles that all relationships go through. Seeing as how this is my first serious relationship, and the longest relationship I've ever been in, my concerns have been distracting me from the comic.

And last but not least I've been searching for a printer to self publish the comic book I worked my ass off to put together this summer to celebrate the anniversary of me starting this comic. The cheapest price I could find up to recently has been $20 a copy, which is pretty damn steep and wouldn't even give me a chance to make a profit. The suggestion of Guerilla Printing was great and hopefully I can prepare to sell copies to your hopefully eager-to-buy selves soon.

Hopefully all these issues distracting me from posting funny and entertaining comics on a consistant basis will cease soon.

Also, I hope you've noticed the donation plea I've installed on the site - donations would really help me to improve the quality of the comic (more updates, maybe even evolving my art style some more, providing better merchandise, etc)

12th May 2010, 8:13 PM

Feeny

Filling in the Holes

Oy, what a crazy time I've been through...

So I tried my hand at being a Street Canvasser for world vision - standing on the street and trying to stop people and get them to sign up to be a monthly sponser to some sad kid. it's a fucking hard job! you are standing out on the street, be it rain or shine out, exposed to hobos and crazy people, trying to get people to sign up and pay for something they don't *really* want, or need. you are ignored for most of your day, or rudely rejected. sometimes, people are extremely rude to you and treat you like some kind of plague upon the earth. hey dude, I'm just trying to pay back debts with the only job i could get. its hard to stay cheery when you get flipped off for saying "Hello, How are you doing today?". and although I've learned to get passed rejection, it's a lot harder when you're getting constantly rejected for eight hours a day. I've never been much of a salesperson, and trying to convince people to donate money on the street is pretty fucking hard. So please, if your walking down the street and are approached by a street canvasser, even if you're not interested in what they're selling, at least be polite. like c'mon, their job is hard enough as it is without random douche bags. they're not trying to annoy you, they're just doing their job, doing what is required of them.

so yes, I gave that up. It was required for me to get one monthly donor to sign up with me a day and I couldn't even do that. oh well.

I finished my exams, thus ending my second year at York U. I didn't do nearly as well as I'd hope, but I'm not in danger of flunking out, so I guess I'll be pushing myself harder next year.

I got fired at the coffee shop I've been working at for the past two years, because my boss can't handle the fact that I have a life and every now and then give him two weeks notice (at least) that I need time off. apparently I'm inconvenient. I'm glad to be rid of that hell hole of a coffee shop, but that doesn't help my financial situation and am desperate for a new job that will stick and not make me miserable - that seems to be unrealistic apparently. I owe my school almost $4000 which, until that it paid off, I cannot in courses for the upcoming year. Hence, I may be taking a semester, or more, off if I can't find the money. I really don't want to do that, but I don't seem to have much choice.
I mean, I'm planning on getting my Phd, which is going to take long enough as it without me taking more time off than I need to.

I'm working on the comics that my trip to England inspired, and will hopefully have them up this weekend, but will have at least one to post on sunday. these comics should do a bit to explain the boyfriend.

I think that's all I got in the way of filling you guys in, if you were wondering what's up.